A pre-printed incident report is funny. A custom incident report written specifically about someone you know is a completely different category of gift. It says: I pay attention to you. I have noticed the specific, ridiculous thing you do. And I have chosen to respond with official documentation. This is the highest form of the genre, and it requires a bit of craft.
Step 1: Choose the Right Incident
The incident must be small, recurring, and harmless. Good material includes a habit, a phrase the person says constantly, a specific way they load the dishwasher, or a predictable weekly chaos. Bad material includes anything the person is genuinely insecure about, anything with real consequences, and anything that happened during an argument. If you are unsure, ask yourself whether the person would be happy to see this on a fridge for a year. If not, choose something else.
Step 2: Choose the Format
You can write a single report on a printed template, or you can build a full kit. A single report, printed on good paper and sealed in an envelope, is elegant and easy. A kit with a notepad, a stamp, and incident report stickers is a bigger gift and works better for someone who will actually keep using it. If you are giving this to a coworker, our guide on the best incident report gifts for coworkers has more options.
Step 3: Write It Deadpan
The rules from our guide on filling out a funny incident report apply. Use a date and a time. Use an invented case number. Cite a section of an invented policy. Describe the incident in the voice of a compliance officer who has seen too much. The person should be able to hear your tone in the writing without you ever breaking character.
Step 4: Keep It Affectionate
This is the most important rule. The report should read like a joke between people who like each other. Include one detail that only the two of you would know. Reference a specific Tuesday. Name the exact mug. Precision is what makes the whole thing feel like an inside joke rather than a generic template.
Step 5: Include a Correction Request
This is where the comedy peaks. The requested action should be tiny. The subject is asked to verbally confirm that they will not leave the cabinet open on Wednesdays. The subject is asked to acknowledge that the butter knife belongs in the butter. A small, polite, entirely pointless request is the perfect ending.
Step 6: Package It Properly
Put the report in a manila envelope. Write CONFIDENTIAL or INTERNAL USE ONLY on the front. Add a reference number in red. Seal the back with a round sticker that looks like an official inspection seal. If you want to go further, include a spare blank report so they can file one on you in return. That return report is the real long game. See our article on starting a running bit for how to keep it going.
Step 7: Be Ready for Retaliation
If you do this well, the recipient will file a report on you. Accept it gracefully. Stamp it FILED. A good custom report starts a tradition, and traditions are better than gifts. If you want to understand why this format lands so well emotionally, read our piece on why fake paperwork is funny. For the everyday version of this practice, see our guide on writing mundane incident reports.
The custom report is not about the paper. It is about the noticing. The form is just the excuse to tell someone you have been paying attention.